Chosen Memories

Don't you find it interesting that women remember the miracle of chidbirth but not the pain of labor?  Don't you think that if the excruciating pain were what they remembered there would be less babies on the face of the Earth?  I realize this selective memory is a survival mechanism for the female of the species, without it the chances of the human race would be slim.

Here is my question, why can't we all only remember the good parts of everything?  The good parts of Love, the good parts of people, the good parts of relationships, the reason you bought that lemon of a car, or married that jackass of a husband, or the b*tch of a wife.....

I'll tell you why....and it is the same reason,  Survival.  When you have that child, you have to remember the good because the child will always be in your life.  But when it comes to anything else....in today's society, you can ditch all the rest.....and when you DO ditch the rest (and you will) you have to remember why you ditched it.  Without that chosen persistent memory, you would second guess the decision the rest of your life. 

It is this ability to choose a memory that I envy.  I am too pragmatic for my own good,  Oh sure I remember why I bought that lemon of a car and then I question why I got rid of it.  That last repair might have been it!  Sure that potential husband may have been a jackass at the end, but was it my fault, could he have changed? Could I have lived with it?  Love is great while you are in it, but when it ends it is incredibly painful, unless you are the dumper and not the dumpee.....and then the chosen memory is different.

It is odd that I would envy people who can make up their own reality with chosen memories. But it is odder still when people don't question themselves, their belief systems, or the reality of their lives. 

I've been kicked around enough that I am low on faith and full of jaded conviction.  Chosing a memory for a specific event is beyond me.  It is the bottom line that I remember.  All the facts that got me to this point/place/situation.  1+1 = 2 not 3, 4, or 5 or even in some bright future 10.

Ignorance may be bliss, but blind faith is dangerous.

Valentine's Day

(From http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day) "The Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death."
The article on History.com goes on to give a few more variations on the theme of how Valentine's day became the Hallmark Holiday it is today.  But for me it is pretty much the same as any other day. 

I've had three great loves in my life.  My best friend, My ex Partner, and one more.....  Only one has survived the cruicible of time.  And for a gay man in his 40's, having the love of a female best friend is priceless.  She and her family always and infallibly make me feel instantly loved. 

For me, love is really difficult.  My experience has moved me along a path that makes me think I am one of the few left that believes love is worth effort, compromise, and occasional inconvenience.  I have been in love.  Do not mistake my cynical attitude for one that doesn't believe.  What I have lost faith in is the dating pool and my ability to judge those possible prospects that are out there.  I have failed miserably at judging people.  I believed them when they said used the word "love".  And while they may have meant it, they did not have the same definition of it as I do.

This mistrust of myself and others has put me in a rather lonely place.  Sure I have love.  Familial love.  Friendship love.  It is a partner that I miss.

I already know that if someone were interested, I'd doubt them and their intentions.  It is a catch-22.  I know.  I am not fooling anyone, including myself.

So this Valentine's Day, if you are having a Valentine dinner with your sweetheart and you notice someone with grey in his goatee who is staring at you.  Don't just think he is a wierdo.  He may be trying to sort out the situations in his life that put him there alone one Feb 14th.  Maybe you could look him in the eye and smile.  It may not be much, but it may mean the world to him.

For now, for me..... Feb 14th will just be 1/2 Price Candy Eve.  The mysteries of the Valentine's Day holiday are far too distant to ponder.

SURROUNDED!

Circle the wagons!  I am SURROUNDED!  By Family!

Just kidding, it ain't so bad.   This is the first Christmas in a very long time that I have lived in the same town as the family.  I've been here since June, and I can't say this has been the easiest move ever, but I can say that it has been both challenging and joyful.

2011 is ending.  It was an incredibly stressful year.  I am, by nature a homebody that doesn't like a lot of change, and 2011 challenged me almost beyond my capacity to deal. 

I had been on my own in Milwaukee since 2008 and by 2010 I had just started to get my feet underneath me.  By 2011, I was kinda settled, finished my MBA, had what I thought was a relationship.  Then it came ...  that thing that I thought would never happen.  A career offer in Arizona. (Notice the difference....career....not job.)  Accepting this position meant a move back to my hometown and my family.  It also meant a stress on the roots I had planted in Milwaukee.  I took the offer thinking that the roots in Milwaukee were strong and the important ones would survive.  I had no idea the extent to which I overestimated some of the roots that I had deemed important.

I have been in AZ for six months now.  I have spent as much time as possible fostering a relationship with my Godson and niece.  I have caught up with my parents and aunts and uncles.  I am having to slowly educate some people that I am not the 12 year old that they remember, or even the 28 year old that moved away.  I am sure that it will get better.  I just have to stand my ground and be firm.  I came back for a relationship with my family...and I take the good with the bad.

With 2011 ending, I have been feeling melancholy.  I have gained a lot this year, but I have also lost a lot.  The relationship I left behind ended the minute the moving truck pulled up.....actually it probably ended earlier, I was just too dense to notice.  Took me a month or two more after the move and a 2X4 across the head before I undetsood it was really over.  I had hoped that it would survive this temporary upheaval and we'd find a way to survive, but it was indicated to me that I wasn't worth the effort and he had been depressed the entire time we'd been together.  This news wasn't the easiest pill to take, but I couldn't argue with what he was feeling no matter how I felt about it.  This was quite the crushing blow. 

As for the rest of my friends in MKE....I still speak with the ones who do find me worth the effort.  They help me realize that love has no zip code or distance limit.  We talk of the things happening in our lives and the hopes we have of seeing each other in the future.  Gives me hope that I won't lose them too.  Milwaukee was important to me, and the friends I left behind are greatly missed.

2012 is on the horizon.  People talk of counting their blessings and being happy for the season.  I agree with that....but I challenge you to go one step further.  Cherish your blessings all year 'round.  Don't wait for a two week period at the end of the year for special recognition.  Don't let go of the people that are important to you and if they don't feel the same, get away as fast as you can (or at least as soon as you realize it).  Life is too short to have negativity like that in your life. 

It took me 2 years of healing and centering myself after my last major change to feel like I was ready to handle life on my own terms.  This more recent change and move has been really hard on me, but I have survived 6 months, and a lot of those moments have been happy because I have been able to lean on family and friends for support.  This healing period may take as long....or not... I don't know.  What I do know is that I am worth the effort, regardless of what some other people think or have indicated.

Here is my promise to 2012.  I am going to cherish the people in my life....every day....because they choose to make the effort to keep me in theirs.

I challenge you to put your arms around the people who take time for you and tell them you love them...and really mean it.  Understand that love is forever.  Don't just say it without realizing the gravity behind those words.  If you think they aren't "keepers" let them go immediately!  Many of the people in your life think you are worth the effort.  Be worthy of their effort.  It is a two way street and a circle of energy that feeds itself. 

Imagine how great it would be if you surrounded yourself with those sorts of reciprocal relationships and not the vampirical ones that we so often find ourselves in, those people who would use us until we aren't "of use" to them anymore.  (To quote P!nk's lyrics in "Raise your glass": "Why do I do that?")  It is your responsibility to not be a vampire OR a vampire's victim!

I want to close this with and old "Irish" toast (.....I say that with the quotes because I don't know the origin of this toast....).  This New Year's I will raise a glass and say the following:

"Here's to the friends we love, and here's to the friends who love us.  If the friends we love don't love us, screw them, here's to us!"

My friends, chances are you came to this post via Faceook.  I may not be physically close to you, but I believe you are worth the effort.  I hope you think I am too.  I look forward to great adventures for 2012 and I am armed with the lessons life has taught me.  Together we can overcome anything and enjoy even more!

Happy New Year!

High School Reunions and the Evolution of Man

Last weekend I had the great honor of being able to attend my 25th High School class reunion.  (For those of you doing the math, I am 43 and damn proud of it). 

So this is how the story goes..... 

I was home last Saturday afternoon, laundry going, music on and elbow deep in dishes when I hear a text come across my phone.  It is from one of the few friends I still keep in touch with from high school.  The text simply read, "Are you going tonight?"

I replied "Going where?"

That was when my whole night changed from a bowl of cereal and TV reruns to my 25th High School Reunion.  Hell yeah, I went!  I had a great time!  We tore up the dance floor.  I cherish the memories and friends I had....I just wish more of them had attended.

This reunion was a great time, but it also had a mixed message for me.  Since I wasn't "out" during high school (or any time soon thereafter).  I had spent a lot of my days hiding.  Keeping my friends circle really small and tightly knit.  My friends may have guessed my predicament....but they were supportive of me and kept quiet. 

My ability to stay hidden in High School became apparent when only a handful of people remembered me at the reunion.  The Reunion committee had pictures of the entire class....except me.  People I had performed with didn't remember me.  People I had attended classes with for two years didn't even look twice at me.  It was kind of funny to this 43 year old who understood the situation....and kind of sad for the 16 yr old that I used to be.

High School can be traumatic.  I had girlfriends....and I knew it wasn't "right" for me.  I had a friend commit suicide.  I was rejected by my first male crush.  I was covered in zits.  I had a lot of self doubt. 

Maybe they didn't recognize me because all those things were gone. I don't hide anymore.  That is to say that I don't shy away from people.  I am more self confident about who I am and where I need to draw the line to stand up for myself.  I still keep my friends close and tightly knit, and I have learned to get the enemies, negativity, and pain out of my life.  While I still like to live my life quietly, please don't take that as a sign of weakness.  I look at it as a sign that I need prove myself to no one.  

Since High School I have been rejected many times.  One long term relationship failed.  Another short term one turned out not to be a relationship at all but more of a year and a half of a joke with me as the punchline.  I have dealt with the deaths of many friends and family.  I still get zits (though not as many).  Self doubt is more like an old friend and not the end of the world. 

It is sad that the 16 yr old didn't have more of a presence in High School, but it is more of a triumph that the 43 yr old has survived well beyond those experiences.

After High School I formed a little philosophy about how I was going to live:  People will be better for knowing who I am.  Even if it is just a simple smile that I can bring to someone's face, they will have had one more smile in their lifetime for knowing me.

Warning to those who think this is an easy philosophy.... I think that the value it brings to those I can make smile far out weighs the times that I get used because people can use my philosophy against me.

My advice....go to your 10th, 25th...and every reunion possible.  Celebrate the few people with whom you still communicate.  If no one else remembers you, maybe it is because you have evolved past that person you used to be and the 16 year old is no longer who you really are anyway..... 

Effort

I have been facinated with this Facebook Poster recently. 

Especially since the last year and a half has turned out to be a huge farce

with me being the punchline to an awful and expensive joke.

I'll be back with something positive to say.  The question is when. 

Applause

Applause: (Latin applaudere, to strike upon, clap) is primarily the expression of approval by the act of clapping, or striking the palms of the hands together, in order to create noise.  (source: Wikipedia)

We all look for approval of some type.  The approval of our parents, family, friends, a loved one.  I have read countless articles and books that all say the same thing: "You don't need other's approval, just build your own self esteem".  Ok, I get that.  But lets be painfully honest, if not with each other, than with ourselves.... no matter how confident you are in yourself, it is part of the human experience to look for approval from others.

I watch confident/successful people all the time.  Some make huge definitive statements in order to get their point across.  Some "share" ideas and invite conversation.  But the truth is that they are all looking for "followers" for their statements and ideas.  Someone to agree.  These followers provide the approval and (sometimes) actual applause that they are looking for..... so even in their quest to be confident, they need approval from others.

I spent many years as a performer and still miss the approval and applause of an audience, but I have spent much of the last 15 years off the stage.  Much of my business career has been about teaching myself to be better at things in order to gain the approval of my superiors and workmates.  Getting that recognition/approval because I was able to provide a business solution where others had failed or dare not tread. 

Now, I am not saying that we have to depend on others to find our own self esteem, but I am saying that we need to be aware how people effect our self perception.  I KNOW that I am good enough for almost any job in IT management, but I require the approval of someone hiring me to actually get paid for it. 

Eventually we all get kicked enough that we wonder if we are good enough to <fill-in-the-blank>.  Of course we all find our way.  We survive.  Self doubt is ONLY a flag to find places for self improvement.  It is up to us to use self doubt as a tool to build ourselves up, and not an anchor to drag us down. 

Do I doubt my ability to do everything perfectly?  ABSOLUTELY!  Do I doubt my ability to learn from my mistakes?  Not at all.

Albin sang it best in "La Cage aux Folles".  "Give me the hook! Or the OVATION!"

Enjoy who you are...with or without the Applause.

Bread and Circuses

The Roman Colosseum

In High School, I learned about a phenomenon that occured in Ancient Rome (Remember them? Collapsed civilization? Burned? Guy with a fiddle?).  The idea of "bread and circuses" has been on my mind a lot the last few years.  I don't know if it is because I am getting older, or more aware, or that there is just so much dreck out there I can't avoid it... I question if we are experiencing the same issues?

The Romans had a practice of providing free wheat to Roman citizens as well as costly circus games and other forms of entertainment as a means of gaining political power through populism.  In effect, buying their vote.  Pay attention to the "Americans for Prosperity" campaigns; the corp sponsored political movement with paid pseudo-celebrities, i.e. Joe, The Plumber, who get paid to travel and speak to groups of people in order to sway votes and public opinion.

According to wikipedia:  "In the case of politics, the phrase ("bread and circuses") is used to describe the creation of public approval, not through exemplary or excellent public service or public policy, but through the mere satisfaction of the immediate, shallow requirements of a populace. The phrase also implies the erosion or ignorance of civic duty amongst the concerns of the common man."

There are days that I look at the hundreds of TV channels and programming available and wonder if we (as a race) are concerned with the things that really matter.  The internet is a "superhighway of information" and yet it is filled with so much flotsam and jetsam that it becomes close to impossible to weed out the nuggets that are meant to inform, educate, and lift us to a place of enlightenment.

I am not a conspiracy theorist in any way shape or form.  I do not believe that characters like "Snookie" are government created distractions that keep the common man from thinking.  But even if the "Housewives of Wherever" aren't a tool created by some monsterous government agency, isn't the effect the same?  A populace more concerned with drug-induced ramblings of celebrity than what laws are passing?  Citizens more entranced by the drunken escapades of a pop-star, than the actions taken on foreign soil in "their name"?  Sports figures are more revered than the leaders of any specific country or religion?

Politics has been a polarizing force recently.  At least for those paying attention to it has been polarizing.  The LOUD people on the Right and the LOUD people on the Left all have an opinion.  But that HUGE gap in the middle....the ones busy watching reruns of Springer, "The Jersey Shore", and "Housewives of Wherever"... when that group wakes up from the bread and circuses, where will they stand on issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage, the Deficit, and Industry regulation?

This will be interesting.  Anyone have a fiddle?