Don't you find it interesting that women remember the miracle of chidbirth but not the pain of labor? Don't you think that if the excruciating pain were what they remembered there would be less babies on the face of the Earth? I realize this selective memory is a survival mechanism for the female of the species, without it the chances of the human race would be slim.
Here is my question, why can't we all only remember the good parts of everything? The good parts of Love, the good parts of people, the good parts of relationships, the reason you bought that lemon of a car, or married that jackass of a husband, or the b*tch of a wife.....
I'll tell you why....and it is the same reason, Survival. When you have that child, you have to remember the good because the child will always be in your life. But when it comes to anything else....in today's society, you can ditch all the rest.....and when you DO ditch the rest (and you will) you have to remember why you ditched it. Without that chosen persistent memory, you would second guess the decision the rest of your life.
It is this ability to choose a memory that I envy. I am too pragmatic for my own good, Oh sure I remember why I bought that lemon of a car and then I question why I got rid of it. That last repair might have been it! Sure that potential husband may have been a jackass at the end, but was it my fault, could he have changed? Could I have lived with it? Love is great while you are in it, but when it ends it is incredibly painful, unless you are the dumper and not the dumpee.....and then the chosen memory is different.
It is odd that I would envy people who can make up their own reality with chosen memories. But it is odder still when people don't question themselves, their belief systems, or the reality of their lives.
I've been kicked around enough that I am low on faith and full of jaded conviction. Chosing a memory for a specific event is beyond me. It is the bottom line that I remember. All the facts that got me to this point/place/situation. 1+1 = 2 not 3, 4, or 5 or even in some bright future 10.
Ignorance may be bliss, but blind faith is dangerous.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Valentine's Day
The article on History.com goes on to give a few more variations on the theme of how Valentine's day became the Hallmark Holiday it is today. But for me it is pretty much the same as any other day.
I've had three great loves in my life. My best friend, My ex Partner, and one more..... Only one has survived the cruicible of time. And for a gay man in his 40's, having the love of a female best friend is priceless. She and her family always and infallibly make me feel instantly loved.
For me, love is really difficult. My experience has moved me along a path that makes me think I am one of the few left that believes love is worth effort, compromise, and occasional inconvenience. I have been in love. Do not mistake my cynical attitude for one that doesn't believe. What I have lost faith in is the dating pool and my ability to judge those possible prospects that are out there. I have failed miserably at judging people. I believed them when they said used the word "love". And while they may have meant it, they did not have the same definition of it as I do.
This mistrust of myself and others has put me in a rather lonely place. Sure I have love. Familial love. Friendship love. It is a partner that I miss.
I already know that if someone were interested, I'd doubt them and their intentions. It is a catch-22. I know. I am not fooling anyone, including myself.
So this Valentine's Day, if you are having a Valentine dinner with your sweetheart and you notice someone with grey in his goatee who is staring at you. Don't just think he is a wierdo. He may be trying to sort out the situations in his life that put him there alone one Feb 14th. Maybe you could look him in the eye and smile. It may not be much, but it may mean the world to him.
For now, for me..... Feb 14th will just be 1/2 Price Candy Eve. The mysteries of the Valentine's Day holiday are far too distant to ponder.
Friday, December 16, 2011
SURROUNDED!
Just kidding, it ain't so bad. This is the first Christmas in a very long time that I have lived in the same town as the family. I've been here since June, and I can't say this has been the easiest move ever, but I can say that it has been both challenging and joyful.
2011 is ending. It was an incredibly stressful year. I am, by nature a homebody that doesn't like a lot of change, and 2011 challenged me almost beyond my capacity to deal.
I had been on my own in Milwaukee since 2008 and by 2010 I had just started to get my feet underneath me. By 2011, I was kinda settled, finished my MBA, had what I thought was a relationship. Then it came ... that thing that I thought would never happen. A career offer in Arizona. (Notice the difference....career....not job.) Accepting this position meant a move back to my hometown and my family. It also meant a stress on the roots I had planted in Milwaukee. I took the offer thinking that the roots in Milwaukee were strong and the important ones would survive. I had no idea the extent to which I overestimated some of the roots that I had deemed important.
I have been in AZ for six months now. I have spent as much time as possible fostering a relationship with my Godson and niece. I have caught up with my parents and aunts and uncles. I am having to slowly educate some people that I am not the 12 year old that they remember, or even the 28 year old that moved away. I am sure that it will get better. I just have to stand my ground and be firm. I came back for a relationship with my family...and I take the good with the bad.
With 2011 ending, I have been feeling melancholy. I have gained a lot this year, but I have also lost a lot. The relationship I left behind ended the minute the moving truck pulled up.....actually it probably ended earlier, I was just too dense to notice. Took me a month or two more after the move and a 2X4 across the head before I undetsood it was really over. I had hoped that it would survive this temporary upheaval and we'd find a way to survive, but it was indicated to me that I wasn't worth the effort and he had been depressed the entire time we'd been together. This news wasn't the easiest pill to take, but I couldn't argue with what he was feeling no matter how I felt about it. This was quite the crushing blow.
As for the rest of my friends in MKE....I still speak with the ones who do find me worth the effort. They help me realize that love has no zip code or distance limit. We talk of the things happening in our lives and the hopes we have of seeing each other in the future. Gives me hope that I won't lose them too. Milwaukee was important to me, and the friends I left behind are greatly missed.
2012 is on the horizon. People talk of counting their blessings and being happy for the season. I agree with that....but I challenge you to go one step further. Cherish your blessings all year 'round. Don't wait for a two week period at the end of the year for special recognition. Don't let go of the people that are important to you and if they don't feel the same, get away as fast as you can (or at least as soon as you realize it). Life is too short to have negativity like that in your life.
It took me 2 years of healing and centering myself after my last major change to feel like I was ready to handle life on my own terms. This more recent change and move has been really hard on me, but I have survived 6 months, and a lot of those moments have been happy because I have been able to lean on family and friends for support. This healing period may take as long....or not... I don't know. What I do know is that I am worth the effort, regardless of what some other people think or have indicated.
Here is my promise to 2012. I am going to cherish the people in my life....every day....because they choose to make the effort to keep me in theirs.
I challenge you to put your arms around the people who take time for you and tell them you love them...and really mean it. Understand that love is forever. Don't just say it without realizing the gravity behind those words. If you think they aren't "keepers" let them go immediately! Many of the people in your life think you are worth the effort. Be worthy of their effort. It is a two way street and a circle of energy that feeds itself.
Imagine how great it would be if you surrounded yourself with those sorts of reciprocal relationships and not the vampirical ones that we so often find ourselves in, those people who would use us until we aren't "of use" to them anymore. (To quote P!nk's lyrics in "Raise your glass": "Why do I do that?") It is your responsibility to not be a vampire OR a vampire's victim!
I want to close this with and old "Irish" toast (.....I say that with the quotes because I don't know the origin of this toast....). This New Year's I will raise a glass and say the following:
"Here's to the friends we love, and here's to the friends who love us. If the friends we love don't love us, screw them, here's to us!"
My friends, chances are you came to this post via Faceook. I may not be physically close to you, but I believe you are worth the effort. I hope you think I am too. I look forward to great adventures for 2012 and I am armed with the lessons life has taught me. Together we can overcome anything and enjoy even more!
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
High School Reunions and the Evolution of Man
So this is how the story goes.....
I was home last Saturday afternoon, laundry going, music on and elbow deep in dishes when I hear a text come across my phone. It is from one of the few friends I still keep in touch with from high school. The text simply read, "Are you going tonight?"
I replied "Going where?"
That was when my whole night changed from a bowl of cereal and TV reruns to my 25th High School Reunion. Hell yeah, I went! I had a great time! We tore up the dance floor. I cherish the memories and friends I had....I just wish more of them had attended.
This reunion was a great time, but it also had a mixed message for me. Since I wasn't "out" during high school (or any time soon thereafter). I had spent a lot of my days hiding. Keeping my friends circle really small and tightly knit. My friends may have guessed my predicament....but they were supportive of me and kept quiet.
My ability to stay hidden in High School became apparent when only a handful of people remembered me at the reunion. The Reunion committee had pictures of the entire class....except me. People I had performed with didn't remember me. People I had attended classes with for two years didn't even look twice at me. It was kind of funny to this 43 year old who understood the situation....and kind of sad for the 16 yr old that I used to be.
High School can be traumatic. I had girlfriends....and I knew it wasn't "right" for me. I had a friend commit suicide. I was rejected by my first male crush. I was covered in zits. I had a lot of self doubt.
Maybe they didn't recognize me because all those things were gone. I don't hide anymore. That is to say that I don't shy away from people. I am more self confident about who I am and where I need to draw the line to stand up for myself. I still keep my friends close and tightly knit, and I have learned to get the enemies, negativity, and pain out of my life. While I still like to live my life quietly, please don't take that as a sign of weakness. I look at it as a sign that I need prove myself to no one.
Since High School I have been rejected many times. One long term relationship failed. Another short term one turned out not to be a relationship at all but more of a year and a half of a joke with me as the punchline. I have dealt with the deaths of many friends and family. I still get zits (though not as many). Self doubt is more like an old friend and not the end of the world.
It is sad that the 16 yr old didn't have more of a presence in High School, but it is more of a triumph that the 43 yr old has survived well beyond those experiences.
After High School I formed a little philosophy about how I was going to live: People will be better for knowing who I am. Even if it is just a simple smile that I can bring to someone's face, they will have had one more smile in their lifetime for knowing me.
Warning to those who think this is an easy philosophy.... I think that the value it brings to those I can make smile far out weighs the times that I get used because people can use my philosophy against me.
My advice....go to your 10th, 25th...and every reunion possible. Celebrate the few people with whom you still communicate. If no one else remembers you, maybe it is because you have evolved past that person you used to be and the 16 year old is no longer who you really are anyway.....
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Effort
I have been facinated with this Facebook Poster recently. 
Especially since the last year and a half has turned out to be a huge farce
with me being the punchline to an awful and expensive joke.
I'll be back with something positive to say. The question is when.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Applause
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We all look for approval of some type. The approval of our parents, family, friends, a loved one. I have read countless articles and books that all say the same thing: "You don't need other's approval, just build your own self esteem". Ok, I get that. But lets be painfully honest, if not with each other, than with ourselves.... no matter how confident you are in yourself, it is part of the human experience to look for approval from others.
I watch confident/successful people all the time. Some make huge definitive statements in order to get their point across. Some "share" ideas and invite conversation. But the truth is that they are all looking for "followers" for their statements and ideas. Someone to agree. These followers provide the approval and (sometimes) actual applause that they are looking for..... so even in their quest to be confident, they need approval from others.
I spent many years as a performer and still miss the approval and applause of an audience, but I have spent much of the last 15 years off the stage. Much of my business career has been about teaching myself to be better at things in order to gain the approval of my superiors and workmates. Getting that recognition/approval because I was able to provide a business solution where others had failed or dare not tread.
Now, I am not saying that we have to depend on others to find our own self esteem, but I am saying that we need to be aware how people effect our self perception. I KNOW that I am good enough for almost any job in IT management, but I require the approval of someone hiring me to actually get paid for it.
Eventually we all get kicked enough that we wonder if we are good enough to <fill-in-the-blank>. Of course we all find our way. We survive. Self doubt is ONLY a flag to find places for self improvement. It is up to us to use self doubt as a tool to build ourselves up, and not an anchor to drag us down.
Do I doubt my ability to do everything perfectly? ABSOLUTELY! Do I doubt my ability to learn from my mistakes? Not at all.
Albin sang it best in "La Cage aux Folles". "Give me the hook! Or the OVATION!"
Enjoy who you are...with or without the Applause.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Bread and Circuses
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| The Roman Colosseum |
The Romans had a practice of providing free wheat to Roman citizens as well as costly circus games and other forms of entertainment as a means of gaining political power through populism. In effect, buying their vote. Pay attention to the "Americans for Prosperity" campaigns; the corp sponsored political movement with paid pseudo-celebrities, i.e. Joe, The Plumber, who get paid to travel and speak to groups of people in order to sway votes and public opinion.
According to wikipedia: "In the case of politics, the phrase ("bread and circuses") is used to describe the creation of public approval, not through exemplary or excellent public service or public policy, but through the mere satisfaction of the immediate, shallow requirements of a populace. The phrase also implies the erosion or ignorance of civic duty amongst the concerns of the common man."
There are days that I look at the hundreds of TV channels and programming available and wonder if we (as a race) are concerned with the things that really matter. The internet is a "superhighway of information" and yet it is filled with so much flotsam and jetsam that it becomes close to impossible to weed out the nuggets that are meant to inform, educate, and lift us to a place of enlightenment.
I am not a conspiracy theorist in any way shape or form. I do not believe that characters like "Snookie" are government created distractions that keep the common man from thinking. But even if the "Housewives of Wherever" aren't a tool created by some monsterous government agency, isn't the effect the same? A populace more concerned with drug-induced ramblings of celebrity than what laws are passing? Citizens more entranced by the drunken escapades of a pop-star, than the actions taken on foreign soil in "their name"? Sports figures are more revered than the leaders of any specific country or religion?
Politics has been a polarizing force recently. At least for those paying attention to it has been polarizing. The LOUD people on the Right and the LOUD people on the Left all have an opinion. But that HUGE gap in the middle....the ones busy watching reruns of Springer, "The Jersey Shore", and "Housewives of Wherever"... when that group wakes up from the bread and circuses, where will they stand on issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage, the Deficit, and Industry regulation?
This will be interesting. Anyone have a fiddle?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Democrats are Optimists?
After speaking with someone about Republicans and Democrats and the fundamental ideological differences between them, I began to realize something. Democrats are not the optimists that everyone paints them to be.
(Before you start the hate mail, hear me out.)
We are all equal on the day we are born. In the most basic of ways. Gasping for air, confused, hungry and covered in the ooze that kept us alive. But right after our first gasp of air, HEAPING mounds of circumstances start to hit us in waves of inequality. Were you born healthy or with a specific challenge? Were you born in a country where a 3rd grade education is the highest achievement or born the child of a wealthy oil czar that has a university named after him? If you are reading this, you are probably somewhere in between those two extremes.
What does this have to do with Democrats? Well, it is in the leveling of those two extremes that gives Democrats their fuel. We believe that people should be given equal chances to succeed in life. That the child born to poverty has the same chance at being the next Einstein as the one born to riches. That one man taught to fish might teach another man, who might teach another. Not buy the pond, erect a fence and post a sign that says "NO FISHING!"
This all sounds great.....right? A chicken in every pot? The opportunity to succeed for everyone? Hurrah! All very noble goals. But that is where Democrats start to lose their optimism.
(Start composing your hate mail now.)
Democrats understand the human condition to be one of challenge and battle. They understand that human instinct (since the beginning of time) is about survival of the individual and not necessarily of the species.
With that understanding, the Democrat becomes a pessimist.
Democrats no longer believe that Companies will do what is right for society "because it is right." They believe that the company will act much like a caveman in crushing it's competition and to find a way to survive without much care to the impact of the environment, their employees, or the businesses around them. So they legislate and create Government programs like the EPA and band together to make Labor Unions.
Democrats no longer believe in the "kindness of the human being". They believe that given the chance, people would rather shoot each other. So gun laws are passed.
The free market is a great idea...in theory. But a truly free market (with no legislation or regulation) will only serve to create a huge gap between those that have opportunity and those that don't. Because those that can afford to BUY more opportunity will do so at the expense of everyone else around them. Imperial England was a free market. Eventually, giving rise to a monarchy and a rich ruling class with slaves and indentured servants. Come to think about it, why didn't "Trickle Down Economics" work there?
Democrats understand this.
Social rules (manners, like "Don't shoot your neighbor") are made to prevent someone from breaking them. Laws are made because too many people broke the rules and there needs to be an accepted form of punishment.
Democrats are well known for creating Government Programs and legislation that "spend tax dollars" to empower the poor, down trodden, and disenfranchised. In doing so, they have earned the name "bleeding heart liberals". This may all be true. But I wonder if this is a reaction to the overwhelming evidence that human nature is more about individual survival in any way possible and less about lifting up your fellow man.
Maybe the Democrats heard a Republican tell the following joke:
Two men were walking in the woods, when suddenly they saw a bear charging at them from across a field. One man yelled "RUN!" hoping to benefit both people from the alarm. The other stopped to put on some running shoes. When the one who yelled asked the other what he was doing, he replied "I don't have to run fast. I just have to run faster than you!"
(Before you start the hate mail, hear me out.)
We are all equal on the day we are born. In the most basic of ways. Gasping for air, confused, hungry and covered in the ooze that kept us alive. But right after our first gasp of air, HEAPING mounds of circumstances start to hit us in waves of inequality. Were you born healthy or with a specific challenge? Were you born in a country where a 3rd grade education is the highest achievement or born the child of a wealthy oil czar that has a university named after him? If you are reading this, you are probably somewhere in between those two extremes.
What does this have to do with Democrats? Well, it is in the leveling of those two extremes that gives Democrats their fuel. We believe that people should be given equal chances to succeed in life. That the child born to poverty has the same chance at being the next Einstein as the one born to riches. That one man taught to fish might teach another man, who might teach another. Not buy the pond, erect a fence and post a sign that says "NO FISHING!"
This all sounds great.....right? A chicken in every pot? The opportunity to succeed for everyone? Hurrah! All very noble goals. But that is where Democrats start to lose their optimism.
(Start composing your hate mail now.)
Democrats understand the human condition to be one of challenge and battle. They understand that human instinct (since the beginning of time) is about survival of the individual and not necessarily of the species.
With that understanding, the Democrat becomes a pessimist.
Democrats no longer believe that Companies will do what is right for society "because it is right." They believe that the company will act much like a caveman in crushing it's competition and to find a way to survive without much care to the impact of the environment, their employees, or the businesses around them. So they legislate and create Government programs like the EPA and band together to make Labor Unions.
Democrats no longer believe in the "kindness of the human being". They believe that given the chance, people would rather shoot each other. So gun laws are passed.
The free market is a great idea...in theory. But a truly free market (with no legislation or regulation) will only serve to create a huge gap between those that have opportunity and those that don't. Because those that can afford to BUY more opportunity will do so at the expense of everyone else around them. Imperial England was a free market. Eventually, giving rise to a monarchy and a rich ruling class with slaves and indentured servants. Come to think about it, why didn't "Trickle Down Economics" work there?
Democrats understand this.
Social rules (manners, like "Don't shoot your neighbor") are made to prevent someone from breaking them. Laws are made because too many people broke the rules and there needs to be an accepted form of punishment.
Democrats are well known for creating Government Programs and legislation that "spend tax dollars" to empower the poor, down trodden, and disenfranchised. In doing so, they have earned the name "bleeding heart liberals". This may all be true. But I wonder if this is a reaction to the overwhelming evidence that human nature is more about individual survival in any way possible and less about lifting up your fellow man.
Maybe the Democrats heard a Republican tell the following joke:
Two men were walking in the woods, when suddenly they saw a bear charging at them from across a field. One man yelled "RUN!" hoping to benefit both people from the alarm. The other stopped to put on some running shoes. When the one who yelled asked the other what he was doing, he replied "I don't have to run fast. I just have to run faster than you!"
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Guns - Literal and Verbal
Recently, I have seen lot of postings about gun laws since the AZ shooting.
DISCLAIMER: I am not an advocate of a gun ban because it is a moot point with a market that is saturated with firearms and firearms manufacturers. A ban would only serve to put firearms in a black market situation; much like alcohol in Prohibition, and we all know how well THAT turned out. Gun control is certainly an option, but would require enforcement and would not eliminate shootings/violence
With all that being said, what is left to dissuade would-be violent criminals? The adage of having both "carrot and stick" as a motivator for human behavior is really all that remains.
Laws (the "stick") only serve to define a punishment for people who break them. Sure they are a deterrent for people who are frightened by such things, but the real criminal element are probably going to break the law no matter how it reads.
I was in a recent discussion with someone who suggested that the Tucson shootings would not have happened if gun control were more stringent and enforced. I agree with him, however, if the shooter were determined enough, guns are available through other means....and they always will be. Sure this specific shooting may not have happened. But gun control would not eliminate tragedies like those that have occured in Tucson, Columbine, or others....
The real question is: how do we change the human experience so that violence doesn't even become an option? I agree that a life out of prison is a "carrot" that I'll take any day, but people who are hell-bent to cause destruction don't see it that way. This is a question of education and evolution.
Education of our children. Education for ourselves. We must evolve as a species.
Next time you say one of the following things, THINK about the message your words send:
An Icon in 90's infomercial television was a spiky haired blond named Susan Powter. The "STOP THE INSANITY!" diet craze. She took those words and used them until we had them pounded in our heads.
I think it is time for a resurgence, but lets apply it to the way we communicate. STOP the INSANITY, the ANGER, the HATE SPEECH, the PREJUDICE.
If enough of us choose to live in a society that communicates rather than inflames maybe we really can make a difference.
We have been very lucky in the US to not have experienced the violence that ALL of our neighbors have had to live with. It is hard to look at the World news and not see violence that is either occurring, or occured.
This lack means that the US has to be doing SOMETHING right. What are we doing right and how do we expand on that success?
Just something to ponder.....
DISCLAIMER: I am not an advocate of a gun ban because it is a moot point with a market that is saturated with firearms and firearms manufacturers. A ban would only serve to put firearms in a black market situation; much like alcohol in Prohibition, and we all know how well THAT turned out. Gun control is certainly an option, but would require enforcement and would not eliminate shootings/violence
With all that being said, what is left to dissuade would-be violent criminals? The adage of having both "carrot and stick" as a motivator for human behavior is really all that remains.
Laws (the "stick") only serve to define a punishment for people who break them. Sure they are a deterrent for people who are frightened by such things, but the real criminal element are probably going to break the law no matter how it reads.
I was in a recent discussion with someone who suggested that the Tucson shootings would not have happened if gun control were more stringent and enforced. I agree with him, however, if the shooter were determined enough, guns are available through other means....and they always will be. Sure this specific shooting may not have happened. But gun control would not eliminate tragedies like those that have occured in Tucson, Columbine, or others....
The real question is: how do we change the human experience so that violence doesn't even become an option? I agree that a life out of prison is a "carrot" that I'll take any day, but people who are hell-bent to cause destruction don't see it that way. This is a question of education and evolution.
Education of our children. Education for ourselves. We must evolve as a species.
Next time you say one of the following things, THINK about the message your words send:
- "I wish they'd just die!"
- "I HATE YOU!"
- "I'm going to beat the ____ out of you!"
An Icon in 90's infomercial television was a spiky haired blond named Susan Powter. The "STOP THE INSANITY!" diet craze. She took those words and used them until we had them pounded in our heads.
I think it is time for a resurgence, but lets apply it to the way we communicate. STOP the INSANITY, the ANGER, the HATE SPEECH, the PREJUDICE.
If enough of us choose to live in a society that communicates rather than inflames maybe we really can make a difference.
We have been very lucky in the US to not have experienced the violence that ALL of our neighbors have had to live with. It is hard to look at the World news and not see violence that is either occurring, or occured.
This lack means that the US has to be doing SOMETHING right. What are we doing right and how do we expand on that success?
Just something to ponder.....
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Skiing through Relationships (or Relationships through Skiing)
As some of you know, when the weather gets cold, I turn to skiing to combat the winter blahs. Well, I was skiing this weekend in a social situation that was a little bit different.... My ex came to WI to ski and brought his on-again-off-again Boyfriend. Now, to be clear, I was fine with this situation. The ex and I try to stay friends, and I like the would-be boyfriend. What was interesting was watching my ex try to bounce between us.
I have been skiing for 4 years. I am not good, but I am not bad. The ex is an expert skier, and the Boyfriend is a beginner.
Watching the dynamics that were in play was very interesting and really made me ponder life and the relationships that we form with the people around us. I came up with a theory....not a new theory....but a theory, nonetheless.
These were the events as the day unfolded:
After one group lesson, the Boyfriend decided that skiing wasn't for him.
I skied the green and blue hills. I was much more comfortable this year than last. I put music on my earphones and fell only once. I skied alone (most times). I was happy until the snowboarders started to annoy me, and by then, a hot chocolate sounded better than another run.
What does this mean? It means that in every relationship you have to work. Either at having patience (my ex), or at getting better (the Boyfriend and me) and communication (getting the Boyfriend to understand that he wanted to ski the more difficult runs)
Skiing, like life, is a solitary sport. Sure we can find someone who is willing to ski with us, but they probably won't be skiing at the same level. They may be better, or worse. It is incredibly rare to find someone who skis at the same pace you do and even then you can get out of sync if one of your falls or gets delayed on the chair lift. What is important is that you find a way to enjoy the process of the relationship. Helping each other learn, get up, dust off, and start skiing again.
SIDENOTE: I don't think anyone had any real problems on this trip. It was all cordial and civilized. I just found it interesting and thought provoking.
I have been skiing for 4 years. I am not good, but I am not bad. The ex is an expert skier, and the Boyfriend is a beginner.
Watching the dynamics that were in play was very interesting and really made me ponder life and the relationships that we form with the people around us. I came up with a theory....not a new theory....but a theory, nonetheless.
These were the events as the day unfolded:
After one group lesson, the Boyfriend decided that skiing wasn't for him.
I skied the green and blue hills. I was much more comfortable this year than last. I put music on my earphones and fell only once. I skied alone (most times). I was happy until the snowboarders started to annoy me, and by then, a hot chocolate sounded better than another run.
My ex spent a LOT of energy running from hill to hill. I am not sure he was really happy with any of it. The way I see it, he had three choices to find happiness:
- Find a way to enjoy the Bunny Hill. Practice some skills while watching the boyfriend in the ski lesson.
- Find a way to enjoy the medium hills with me. This would have required some patience with my skills.
- Or he could have skied the expert runs alone and found a way to enjoy the solitude that it provides.
What does this mean? It means that in every relationship you have to work. Either at having patience (my ex), or at getting better (the Boyfriend and me) and communication (getting the Boyfriend to understand that he wanted to ski the more difficult runs)
Skiing, like life, is a solitary sport. Sure we can find someone who is willing to ski with us, but they probably won't be skiing at the same level. They may be better, or worse. It is incredibly rare to find someone who skis at the same pace you do and even then you can get out of sync if one of your falls or gets delayed on the chair lift. What is important is that you find a way to enjoy the process of the relationship. Helping each other learn, get up, dust off, and start skiing again.
SIDENOTE: I don't think anyone had any real problems on this trip. It was all cordial and civilized. I just found it interesting and thought provoking.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Family Christmas - Arizona Style
We all have great memories of past family Holidays. Even those of us who may have not had the best family life can cling to a small happy memory or two. I am lucky that I had a great childhood in Arizona with many wonderful memories. Most of them are surrounded by a loving family and friends. I am not saying we were perfect, but we knew when to put away the knives and make the holidays special.
I have great memories of my family, cousins, aunts, and uncles all crammed into my Nana's house on Christmas Eve. The smell of wonderful food wafting through the house. My Godfather would grab the first tamale out of the pot, unwrap it from it's corn husk shell and gleefully eat it without the benefit of a plate or napkin. Often spilling some of the tamale on my Nana's lace tablecloth. My Nana would look at him like he was a barbarian, but you knew that she was happy to have us there, and that she took a special pleasure in sharing her love through her food.
My other Godfather (yes I have two) would take the box of See's chocolates and poke holes in the bottom to find out what flavor they were. If they weren't what he wanted then back in the box they would go to surprise someone else!
I loved it all....even the visits from Santa that were arranged for us kids. Ralph (a family friend) would dress up as Santa and "surprise" us with a visit on Christmas Eve when we were all together. After Santa would leave, and our bellies were full, my aunt would pull one of us aside and quietly tell us to ask our parents if it was time to open the presents. If the first attempt didn't work, she'd move on to the next kid until finally someone relented and the presents would be opened. She never wanted to be identified as the one to start the present frenzy....but everyone knew. Obviously, this became a game that we all loved playing.
My mom learned a lot from her mother (my Nana) about food and how it brings people together in many different ways. Today my mom still uses her talents in the kitchen to show us that she cares. I am a long way from home and my path has been a good one, albiet a little rocky at points. But I find that in this reflection on my family that I have inherited this love of sharing food with people as a way of showing I care. I have shared my heritage with people in 4 states (Arizona, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Wisconsin). Living in those places have influenced my cooking as well. (I hold recipes for Jambalaya & MidWest Fish Frys in high regard as comfort food!)
This Christmas I will not be able to be in Arizona to be surrounded by my family. Work circumstances have conspired against it. In order to avoid singing "Blue Christmas" all season, I am going to recreate some of my memories here in Wisconsin.....starting this weekend!
Tamales are very labor intensive, so I may be trying to make my paternal grandmother's version of enchiladas for Christmas Eve. I made them (successfully) a few years ago, so I am going to try again. along with the typical beans and rice. As a Mexican-American family we weren't against a good turkey or ham either....so I have fall-backs!
And what are the holidays without desserts? This year will be my first attempt a biscochuelos (an anise-shortbread cookie). It is funny that I am making these because as a child they were never my favorite. But now, as an adult...I like them. Also on the dessert menu is Bunelos (a Mexican version of fry-bread with a home-made brown sugar syrup).
My mother is a wonderful cook and I am lucky enough that she has shared many of her recipes with me. I am not the cook that she is, but this year I am going to try to share my culinary memories with my extended family here in Wisconsin. They may not know why I love each dish as I do, but they will understand that I am giving it to them from a place of caring.
(Mental note to self: Get Mom to teach you to make Tortillas!)
Merry Christmas to everyone. Feliz Navidad. Love your family. Cherish your memories.
I have great memories of my family, cousins, aunts, and uncles all crammed into my Nana's house on Christmas Eve. The smell of wonderful food wafting through the house. My Godfather would grab the first tamale out of the pot, unwrap it from it's corn husk shell and gleefully eat it without the benefit of a plate or napkin. Often spilling some of the tamale on my Nana's lace tablecloth. My Nana would look at him like he was a barbarian, but you knew that she was happy to have us there, and that she took a special pleasure in sharing her love through her food.
My other Godfather (yes I have two) would take the box of See's chocolates and poke holes in the bottom to find out what flavor they were. If they weren't what he wanted then back in the box they would go to surprise someone else!
I loved it all....even the visits from Santa that were arranged for us kids. Ralph (a family friend) would dress up as Santa and "surprise" us with a visit on Christmas Eve when we were all together. After Santa would leave, and our bellies were full, my aunt would pull one of us aside and quietly tell us to ask our parents if it was time to open the presents. If the first attempt didn't work, she'd move on to the next kid until finally someone relented and the presents would be opened. She never wanted to be identified as the one to start the present frenzy....but everyone knew. Obviously, this became a game that we all loved playing.
My mom learned a lot from her mother (my Nana) about food and how it brings people together in many different ways. Today my mom still uses her talents in the kitchen to show us that she cares. I am a long way from home and my path has been a good one, albiet a little rocky at points. But I find that in this reflection on my family that I have inherited this love of sharing food with people as a way of showing I care. I have shared my heritage with people in 4 states (Arizona, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Wisconsin). Living in those places have influenced my cooking as well. (I hold recipes for Jambalaya & MidWest Fish Frys in high regard as comfort food!)
This Christmas I will not be able to be in Arizona to be surrounded by my family. Work circumstances have conspired against it. In order to avoid singing "Blue Christmas" all season, I am going to recreate some of my memories here in Wisconsin.....starting this weekend!
Tamales are very labor intensive, so I may be trying to make my paternal grandmother's version of enchiladas for Christmas Eve. I made them (successfully) a few years ago, so I am going to try again. along with the typical beans and rice. As a Mexican-American family we weren't against a good turkey or ham either....so I have fall-backs!
And what are the holidays without desserts? This year will be my first attempt a biscochuelos (an anise-shortbread cookie). It is funny that I am making these because as a child they were never my favorite. But now, as an adult...I like them. Also on the dessert menu is Bunelos (a Mexican version of fry-bread with a home-made brown sugar syrup).
My mother is a wonderful cook and I am lucky enough that she has shared many of her recipes with me. I am not the cook that she is, but this year I am going to try to share my culinary memories with my extended family here in Wisconsin. They may not know why I love each dish as I do, but they will understand that I am giving it to them from a place of caring.
(Mental note to self: Get Mom to teach you to make Tortillas!)
Merry Christmas to everyone. Feliz Navidad. Love your family. Cherish your memories.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Truth about Christmas
Much of holiday stress is brought on by our expectation that we have to perform in some fashion to show the people around us that we care. I am just as guilty as the next person in trying for that holiday perfection. But lets be honest. Our lives will never be a Norman Rockwell painting.....and why should they be?
Only one song gets me through the season. (Video and Lyrics after the jump. Click "Read More")
Let's take it easier on each other this year.
Happy Holidays and peace to all.
"So Christmas makes me see that everyone's like me
the pain I'm going through is pain that they're all feeling too
and it's so encouraging to know that we all want the same thing
to be loved
to be happy
to have hope
That's the truth about Christmas."
Only one song gets me through the season. (Video and Lyrics after the jump. Click "Read More")
Let's take it easier on each other this year.
Happy Holidays and peace to all.
"So Christmas makes me see that everyone's like me
the pain I'm going through is pain that they're all feeling too
and it's so encouraging to know that we all want the same thing
to be loved
to be happy
to have hope
That's the truth about Christmas."
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Criminals
In the wake of the election and the subsequent depression that my liberal heart went through, I found myself in a funk. Where do I belong? If the Nation is rolling toward this "Spiritual awakening" that the Tea Party/Republicans (lets face it...they are the same people) and Sarah Palin are offering, then where do I fit in this world?
Now to be fair, of the 41 Palin-endorsed House candidates who were on the ballot Tuesday, only 22 of her picks won and 13 lost (the remaining 6 races haven't yet come in as of this blog post.) I am not an alarmist, but this is a bellwether sign for 2012. Now is the time to fix this. 2012 is too late.
I read about the things that these people are against and I see where it is possible that I will suddenly be branded illegal, immoral, and a blight upon society. Legislated to a place that seems to be dark and seedy.... much like a Bulwar-Lynton novel, or a Sam Spade-esque Noir film.
What do these people want to legislate?
Immigration = Arizona style racial profiling is on the ballot for many states. (I am an American born-and-raised of Hispanic heritage). My complexion is fair enough that I may never personally feel the effects of this type of legislation. But I think of my family members and friends who may not be so lucky to avoid harassment because of their skin color.
Anti Gay Legislation = Marriage, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, etc. - I am gay. My relationships mean nothing without jumping through a separate set of legal rules that will never give me the same rights that a husband and wife have. I cannot serve in the military. In certain states, I cannot adopt.
Lets boil this down....Today, I am a tax paying, law-abiding citizen. Six years from now, if I make NO CHANGES to who I am or what I do, I may be a criminal.
How far away from being criminalized are you?
According to Prefixsuffix.com
PRO = for, foward; as in to "propel" forward
CON = with, together; as in "converge", "concatenate", "conjoin".....make the same
CONservatives (Republican/Tea Party/WHATEVER) are looking to legislate ways to tell other people that their lives are only valid if they "CONverge", "CONcatenate", "CONjoin" with the CONservative way of thinking.....
PROgressives (Democrats) have passed legislation that, while not all encompassing, is on the right path to PROtect people of different faiths, creeds, color, and sexuality. PROpeling the idea that in diversity we are strong. Have they done everything we wanted? No. But with them we at least have a chance.
Think about it....how many years until they can lock you up for your racial heritage, sexuality, gender identity, or decisions you have made regarding abortion?
Eventually the Conservatives will have to raise taxes to build prisons for the rest of us.
Now to be fair, of the 41 Palin-endorsed House candidates who were on the ballot Tuesday, only 22 of her picks won and 13 lost (the remaining 6 races haven't yet come in as of this blog post.) I am not an alarmist, but this is a bellwether sign for 2012. Now is the time to fix this. 2012 is too late.
I read about the things that these people are against and I see where it is possible that I will suddenly be branded illegal, immoral, and a blight upon society. Legislated to a place that seems to be dark and seedy.... much like a Bulwar-Lynton novel, or a Sam Spade-esque Noir film.
What do these people want to legislate?
Immigration = Arizona style racial profiling is on the ballot for many states. (I am an American born-and-raised of Hispanic heritage). My complexion is fair enough that I may never personally feel the effects of this type of legislation. But I think of my family members and friends who may not be so lucky to avoid harassment because of their skin color.
Anti Gay Legislation = Marriage, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, etc. - I am gay. My relationships mean nothing without jumping through a separate set of legal rules that will never give me the same rights that a husband and wife have. I cannot serve in the military. In certain states, I cannot adopt.
Lets boil this down....Today, I am a tax paying, law-abiding citizen. Six years from now, if I make NO CHANGES to who I am or what I do, I may be a criminal.
How far away from being criminalized are you?
According to Prefixsuffix.com
PRO = for, foward; as in to "propel" forward
CON = with, together; as in "converge", "concatenate", "conjoin".....make the same
CONservatives (Republican/Tea Party/WHATEVER) are looking to legislate ways to tell other people that their lives are only valid if they "CONverge", "CONcatenate", "CONjoin" with the CONservative way of thinking.....
PROgressives (Democrats) have passed legislation that, while not all encompassing, is on the right path to PROtect people of different faiths, creeds, color, and sexuality. PROpeling the idea that in diversity we are strong. Have they done everything we wanted? No. But with them we at least have a chance.
Think about it....how many years until they can lock you up for your racial heritage, sexuality, gender identity, or decisions you have made regarding abortion?
Eventually the Conservatives will have to raise taxes to build prisons for the rest of us.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Change
I always say that I am a "486 in a Post-Pentium world". As I am sure you know, this is in reference to computer processor speeds and how they have (changed) sped up over the years. Society is always demanding faster change and complaining when they don't get it.
Some of our parents and grandparents saw amazing change over the course of their lifetimes. Personal computing wasn't even a pipedream when our grandparents were teenagers. The colloquialisms we use now mean nothing to those generations upon which we are built.
I often think of a woman I knew in Arizona. She passed in 2004. Lenore was 108. (Quick math: 2004 - 108 = 1896)
Now, lets think about the change Lenore dealt with:
1896 (Lenore is Born)
- Utah is the 45 state admitted to the union
– The Ford Quadricycle, the first Ford vehicle ever developed, is completed, eventually leading Henry Ford to build the empire that "put America on wheels".
1914
World War 1 STARTS.
1916 (Lenore is 20 years old)
– The light switch is invented by William J. Newton and Morris Goldberg.
1926 (Lenore is 30 years old)
- Television is DEMONSTRATED (not in production or widely in use...I said "DEMONSTRATED")
- Land on Broadway and Wall Street in New York City is sold at a RECORD $7 per sq inch.
- Queen Elizabeth II is BORN
1936 (Lenore is 40 years old)
- Margaret Mitchell's novel Gone with the Wind is first published.
- President Franklin D. Roosevelt attends the dedication of Thomas Jefferson's head at Mount Rushmore.
1939 - 1945
World War II
1956 (Lenore is 60 years old)
– Elvis Presley enters the United States music charts for the first time, with Heartbreak Hotel.
– Norma Jean Mortenson legally changes her name to Marilyn Monroe.
– The first episode of As the World Turns is broadcast on the CBS television network
1976 (Lenore is 70 years old)
– The Cray-1, the first commercially developed supercomputer, is released by Seymour Cray's Cray Research.
- Apple Computer Company is formed by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.
- United States Bicentennial: From coast to coast, the United States celebrates the 200th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
1996 (Lenore is 100 years old)
- The Nintendo 64 video game system is released in Japan.
- Motorola introduces the Motorola StarTAC Wearable Cellular Telephone, the world's smallest and lightest mobile phone at that time.
- Dolly the sheep, the first mammal to be successfully cloned from an adult cell, is born at the Roslin Institute in Midlothian, Scotland.
2004 (Lenore is 108)
– NASA's MER-A (Spirit) lands on Mars at 04:35 UTC
– Facebook was founded at Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Now, I am not saying that Lenore lived life free of complaints or that she was always happy. She was human, just like the rest of us. However, she loved to dance. She loved it when everyone (not just her family) called her "Grandma", and she performed in Ballroom dancing tounaments with zeal. (and often no competition since most competitions divided contestants by age range!)
She saw so much change over he life, she was not surprised when "miracles" happened. She had seen so many advancements, very little surprised her. She had seen the human experience with her own eyes.
What I take from my experience with Lenore is that change is inevitable. It is how you deal with it that makes the difference.
Some of our parents and grandparents saw amazing change over the course of their lifetimes. Personal computing wasn't even a pipedream when our grandparents were teenagers. The colloquialisms we use now mean nothing to those generations upon which we are built.
I often think of a woman I knew in Arizona. She passed in 2004. Lenore was 108. (Quick math: 2004 - 108 = 1896)
Now, lets think about the change Lenore dealt with:
1896 (Lenore is Born)
- Utah is the 45 state admitted to the union
– The Ford Quadricycle, the first Ford vehicle ever developed, is completed, eventually leading Henry Ford to build the empire that "put America on wheels".
1914
World War 1 STARTS.
1916 (Lenore is 20 years old)
– The light switch is invented by William J. Newton and Morris Goldberg.
1926 (Lenore is 30 years old)
- Television is DEMONSTRATED (not in production or widely in use...I said "DEMONSTRATED")
- Land on Broadway and Wall Street in New York City is sold at a RECORD $7 per sq inch.
- Queen Elizabeth II is BORN
1936 (Lenore is 40 years old)
- Margaret Mitchell's novel Gone with the Wind is first published.
- President Franklin D. Roosevelt attends the dedication of Thomas Jefferson's head at Mount Rushmore.
1939 - 1945
World War II
1956 (Lenore is 60 years old)
– Elvis Presley enters the United States music charts for the first time, with Heartbreak Hotel.
– Norma Jean Mortenson legally changes her name to Marilyn Monroe.
– The first episode of As the World Turns is broadcast on the CBS television network
1976 (Lenore is 70 years old)
– The Cray-1, the first commercially developed supercomputer, is released by Seymour Cray's Cray Research.
- Apple Computer Company is formed by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.
- United States Bicentennial: From coast to coast, the United States celebrates the 200th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
1996 (Lenore is 100 years old)
- The Nintendo 64 video game system is released in Japan.
- Motorola introduces the Motorola StarTAC Wearable Cellular Telephone, the world's smallest and lightest mobile phone at that time.
- Dolly the sheep, the first mammal to be successfully cloned from an adult cell, is born at the Roslin Institute in Midlothian, Scotland.
2004 (Lenore is 108)
– NASA's MER-A (Spirit) lands on Mars at 04:35 UTC
– Facebook was founded at Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Now, I am not saying that Lenore lived life free of complaints or that she was always happy. She was human, just like the rest of us. However, she loved to dance. She loved it when everyone (not just her family) called her "Grandma", and she performed in Ballroom dancing tounaments with zeal. (and often no competition since most competitions divided contestants by age range!)
She saw so much change over he life, she was not surprised when "miracles" happened. She had seen so many advancements, very little surprised her. She had seen the human experience with her own eyes.
What I take from my experience with Lenore is that change is inevitable. It is how you deal with it that makes the difference.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Gay Suicides: Epidemic
Community wide, this coverage and visibility is a blessing. It is with great hope that we look to our leaders, from the pulpits to the podiums, to effect some change in the perception that Homosexuality is not a dividing line in the human race and that all children deserve the chance to become the best and most productive people that they can.
On a very personal note, I am wondering why this is just now being called an epidemic. Why is it now that we have finally put our collective foot down and said "this must end"?
Here are some startling things to know: 1989 - The US Secretary of Health and Human Services published a report which suggested that gay and lesbian youths are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide and that they account for up to 30% of the total adolescent suicide rate.
Let that sink in a minute....UP TO 30% of the total adolescent suicide rate.
For the purposes of this Blog, let's lower that number a little bit. Let's assume 20% and allow the naysayers some wriggle room.
Time for some math.
According to Suicide.org, in 2005, 4212 young people between the ages of 15 and 24 committed suicide.
If 20% of those 4212 people were homosexual, then (4212/20%) = 842 young gay people took their lives in 2005. That is an average of (842/52 weeks in a year) = 16 young people A WEEK!
I need to repeat that....16 young people a week.
My point is this, the recent media frenzy is LONG overdue. This IS an epidemic. But lets not forget those that lost the battle in the many years that we have been fighting to come out of the shadows.
I mourn for the families of all the children who believed that they weren't loved, or "normal", or even deserving of love. More importantly, we should mourn all the children. Not just the most recent ones.
Monday, October 11, 2010
National Coming Out Day
It certainly isn't a surprise that I am a gay man. Most of you know that I spent years struggling with my sexuality. I was very lucky to have one specific supportive person in my life to help me make the final leap to become a self-realized person.
Here is the story as I remember it:
She was an Army Brat. Her family had moved around a bit and landed in Tucson, AZ. We met while training to be Ballroom Dance Teachers. We had answered the same ad an started the training together.
After growing up in a rather sheltered Catholic/Hispanic household, her 1980's asymmetrical haircut was the craziest thing I had seen (other than on that new channel, MTV).
We liked the same music, she was easy to talk with, she had similar political views....what was NOT to love? Was she the one for me? Why not? Didn't I deserve love? She certainly did.
We moved in together. A one bedroom. Time to play house. Boyfriend and Girlfriend.
Many apartments later and years of living together. Fighting together. Loving each other. She knew ever thing about me including my continual struggle with who I was. I was always faithful to her, but she saw it in me. She loved me enough to tell me that she needed to move on, and that I needed to come to terms with myself.
Today, she is my best friend. She has always been there for me. I will do my best to always be there for her. Thousands of miles separate us but I feel her love for me every day. We don't speak regularly. Life has gotten in the way of our regular communication, but when we do speak, it is as if the years and distance melt away.
Her love helped me to deal with my internal struggle. Having her in my life kept me from becoming one of the statistics that we are reading about today. Yes, I was the one that had to do the work, but I never felt completely alone or unloved.
This is a love letter from a 42 year old gay man to a 42 year old straight woman.
I wouldn't have made it without you. I love you.
Thank you.
Here is the story as I remember it:
She was an Army Brat. Her family had moved around a bit and landed in Tucson, AZ. We met while training to be Ballroom Dance Teachers. We had answered the same ad an started the training together.
After growing up in a rather sheltered Catholic/Hispanic household, her 1980's asymmetrical haircut was the craziest thing I had seen (other than on that new channel, MTV).
We liked the same music, she was easy to talk with, she had similar political views....what was NOT to love? Was she the one for me? Why not? Didn't I deserve love? She certainly did.
We moved in together. A one bedroom. Time to play house. Boyfriend and Girlfriend.
Many apartments later and years of living together. Fighting together. Loving each other. She knew ever thing about me including my continual struggle with who I was. I was always faithful to her, but she saw it in me. She loved me enough to tell me that she needed to move on, and that I needed to come to terms with myself.
Today, she is my best friend. She has always been there for me. I will do my best to always be there for her. Thousands of miles separate us but I feel her love for me every day. We don't speak regularly. Life has gotten in the way of our regular communication, but when we do speak, it is as if the years and distance melt away.
Her love helped me to deal with my internal struggle. Having her in my life kept me from becoming one of the statistics that we are reading about today. Yes, I was the one that had to do the work, but I never felt completely alone or unloved.
This is a love letter from a 42 year old gay man to a 42 year old straight woman.
I wouldn't have made it without you. I love you.
Thank you.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
VAMPIRES ARE REAL!
No, I don't mean the kind of Vampire that is romanticized in the Twilight Saga, or the Anne Rice novels. I am pretty sure my steady diet of garlic will keep those at bay... I am talking about the Vampires that exist in our everyday lives.
In her book "Emotional Freedom", UCLA psychiatrist Judith Orloff, MD talks about the emotional vampires in our lives. Whether they do so intentionally or not, these people can make us feel overwhelmed, depressed, defensive, angry, and wiped out. The consequence of not being able to defend against these "Emotional Vampires" can be unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, such as overeating, isolating, mood swings, or feeling fatigued.
In an interesting video, r. Orloff talks to people about what emotional freedom means to them and she gets some interesting responses: VIDEO.
Her book discusses several different types of Vampire. Do you have a relationship with anyone on this list?
The Narcissist: Delusions of grandeur
The Victim: Believes the world is against him/her
The Controller: Opinionated, rigid sense of right and wrong, needs to dominate
The Criticizer: Feels qualified to judge and belittle everything
The Splitter: Friendly one day and attacks the next. Rageaholic who enjoys causing drama.
While it may be true, that we may have one or more of these people (external influences) in our lives, it can also be argued that these Vampires exist within each of us as thoughts, emotions, and habits. I'd argue that as internal thoughts, these Vampiric parasites can do a lot more damage than as external influences (people). When these thought patterns occur we have to recognize them for what they are and be able to defend against them, or stop them altogether.
The video I mentioned above begins to touch upon the universal truth that once we achieve peace with ourselves, we can then begin the work of achieving peace in the world around us.
Only through recognition and practice can we rid and/or protect ourselves against these Vampiric people or behaviors. Take a minute in your life and start to find those things that sap your energy, self-confidence, or inner peace. Question why you allow it to happen. Then find constructive ways to defend against or avoid those patterns or people altogether.
..... I am still practicing recognizing these things within myself....and eating lots of garlic (just in case)!
In her book "Emotional Freedom", UCLA psychiatrist Judith Orloff, MD talks about the emotional vampires in our lives. Whether they do so intentionally or not, these people can make us feel overwhelmed, depressed, defensive, angry, and wiped out. The consequence of not being able to defend against these "Emotional Vampires" can be unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, such as overeating, isolating, mood swings, or feeling fatigued.
In an interesting video, r. Orloff talks to people about what emotional freedom means to them and she gets some interesting responses: VIDEO.
Her book discusses several different types of Vampire. Do you have a relationship with anyone on this list?
The Narcissist: Delusions of grandeur
The Victim: Believes the world is against him/her
The Controller: Opinionated, rigid sense of right and wrong, needs to dominate
The Criticizer: Feels qualified to judge and belittle everything
The Splitter: Friendly one day and attacks the next. Rageaholic who enjoys causing drama.
While it may be true, that we may have one or more of these people (external influences) in our lives, it can also be argued that these Vampires exist within each of us as thoughts, emotions, and habits. I'd argue that as internal thoughts, these Vampiric parasites can do a lot more damage than as external influences (people). When these thought patterns occur we have to recognize them for what they are and be able to defend against them, or stop them altogether.
The video I mentioned above begins to touch upon the universal truth that once we achieve peace with ourselves, we can then begin the work of achieving peace in the world around us.
Only through recognition and practice can we rid and/or protect ourselves against these Vampiric people or behaviors. Take a minute in your life and start to find those things that sap your energy, self-confidence, or inner peace. Question why you allow it to happen. Then find constructive ways to defend against or avoid those patterns or people altogether.
..... I am still practicing recognizing these things within myself....and eating lots of garlic (just in case)!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Surviving Winter
As the fall approaches and the weather gets cooler, I listen to my friends talk about the changing of the leaves, the changing of the seasons, and eventual winter. Some of them are excited, and some are less than enthused.
I am one of those that is somewhere in between. As a native Arizonan, snow accumulation above a few inches is too much for me on a daily basis. Living in Milwaukee, WI has taught me that life does continue when snow has reached a height of more than 6 inches and is still falling. Business don't close, kids stay in school, and life keeps on moving.
I'll be honest, even after seven years of Wisconsin winters, I still want to hibernate until after Easter, but since that is impossible (bills still need to be paid), I find ways to cope.
1. Promise yourself to get as much of the winter things that you ENJOY!
I like skiing. Last year I made a promise to myself to ski as much as possible. This kind of worked. I looked forward to the skiing and actually HOPED for snow so that skiing conditions would be favorable.
2. DON'T spend all winter shoveling (unless you LIKE shoveling)
HIRE A SERVICE! Why would I want to have to wake up early just to shovel a driveway? Consider this a mental health expense. Services are plentiful and reasonable.
3. BAKE and/or COOK!
Now is the time that people get together to celebrate family. Spend some time in your kitchen making those family treasured recipes. I love soups. Last winter I spent time refining soup recipes. I made them for potlucks, office parties, or just for ME! There was a long time period in my life that my cooking was discouraged (not because it was bad...it just wasn't priority). Now I am feeling encouraged to cook for the people around me. They LIKE my cooking and I am learning to enjoy it again!
4. Find time to enjoy the snow.
I know that this one is far-fetched but when you are able take a quiet moment, watch the snow fall. Turn off the Ipod, TV, or radio, walk away from the computer. You can stay inside if you wish. But take a quiet moment to watch the flakes drift down from sky. Admire the beauty and randomness of it all.
5. Find a way to exercise!
Joining a gym may not be in your future, but (without shoveling) there has to be a way to exercise (follow a video, an audio tape, dance wildly to the radio in your living room) The point is to get rid of the excess energy that you use on outdoor activities during other times of the year....plus you'll need a way to burn off the calories from #3 (above).
Soon enough I'll be using these techniques to survive yet another Wisconsin winter. I hope they work for you too!
I think I am going to work on breads this winter....to go with the soups from last winter!
So if you see someone falling down a hill and he smells of fresh baked bread, it is me. Say "Hi".....just call the ambulance if I don't respond.
I am one of those that is somewhere in between. As a native Arizonan, snow accumulation above a few inches is too much for me on a daily basis. Living in Milwaukee, WI has taught me that life does continue when snow has reached a height of more than 6 inches and is still falling. Business don't close, kids stay in school, and life keeps on moving.
I'll be honest, even after seven years of Wisconsin winters, I still want to hibernate until after Easter, but since that is impossible (bills still need to be paid), I find ways to cope.
1. Promise yourself to get as much of the winter things that you ENJOY!
I like skiing. Last year I made a promise to myself to ski as much as possible. This kind of worked. I looked forward to the skiing and actually HOPED for snow so that skiing conditions would be favorable.
2. DON'T spend all winter shoveling (unless you LIKE shoveling)
HIRE A SERVICE! Why would I want to have to wake up early just to shovel a driveway? Consider this a mental health expense. Services are plentiful and reasonable.
3. BAKE and/or COOK!
Now is the time that people get together to celebrate family. Spend some time in your kitchen making those family treasured recipes. I love soups. Last winter I spent time refining soup recipes. I made them for potlucks, office parties, or just for ME! There was a long time period in my life that my cooking was discouraged (not because it was bad...it just wasn't priority). Now I am feeling encouraged to cook for the people around me. They LIKE my cooking and I am learning to enjoy it again!
4. Find time to enjoy the snow.
I know that this one is far-fetched but when you are able take a quiet moment, watch the snow fall. Turn off the Ipod, TV, or radio, walk away from the computer. You can stay inside if you wish. But take a quiet moment to watch the flakes drift down from sky. Admire the beauty and randomness of it all.
5. Find a way to exercise!
Joining a gym may not be in your future, but (without shoveling) there has to be a way to exercise (follow a video, an audio tape, dance wildly to the radio in your living room) The point is to get rid of the excess energy that you use on outdoor activities during other times of the year....plus you'll need a way to burn off the calories from #3 (above).
Soon enough I'll be using these techniques to survive yet another Wisconsin winter. I hope they work for you too!
I think I am going to work on breads this winter....to go with the soups from last winter!
So if you see someone falling down a hill and he smells of fresh baked bread, it is me. Say "Hi".....just call the ambulance if I don't respond.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Losing Our Identity
The answer: "Homogenized milk, Cultured Sour Cream, Chain Restaurants".....
The question: "What is the same every time you get it?"
So my last post called for awareness of your own internal prejudices. Use them to celebrate our differences and be able to utilize them to play upon your own strengths. All very important points.
However, today I realized a quandary of what happens to a group of people when they get the "acceptance" for which they so diligently have fought.
I was in a National Chain Bookstore today looking for literature of a specific nature.....a specific genre.....ok, ok...The Gay & Lesbian section. Here is the conversation I had with the young help desk clerk:
Me: "Excuse me, I have been wandering around your store for the last 20 minutes and I can't find your Gay & Lesbian section. I am on vacation and need a new book."
20something female Clerk: "What section?"
Me: "The Gay & Lesbian section. I would like some new gay fiction"
20something: "There is no Gay and Lesbian section"
Me: "You mean you don't sell gay themed books?" (Obvious ire welling up)
20something: :::Rolling her eyes::: "No, they are all mixed up"
Me: "You are telling me that gays and lesbians are mixed up?!?!?!" (about ready to blow a gasket)
20something: "NO! (duh) That fiction is in with the other fiction.....no special section for Gays & Lesbians"
Me: "Oh....well.....ummmm.....thanks."
Ok, so all the gay authors are now in the same stacks as the regular authors. Cool! We are getting treated like everyone else! No special section! No more back-of-the-bus, at least in the world of literature! Tony Kushner is no longer relegated to a dark dismal corner of some shop living in fear that someone may find him. Armisted Maupin can come out of the closets and into the world of real literature! Michael Thomas Ford needn't worry about prying straight eyes in his "Queer Life". Cool!
Hey....wait.... That means that I have to look through the regular stacks for the stories I might identify with? No more standing in the Gay and Lesbian sections perusing the books while watching someone fidgeting and trying to get the nerve to pull a book off the shelf and through their actions admit that they may have homosexual tendencies? No more secretive glances at the cute guy who has pulled gay erotica off the shelf?
While I relish the thought of Suzie Bible-Thumper selecting what she thinks to be the latest Harlequin Romance because there is a hot guy on the cover only to find that both main characters have "throbbing members"......I am not so sure this desegregation this is a good thing.
I was having a discussion with another 40 something bartender in a gay establishment. He was talking about a downturn in clientele. When asked why the decrease, he stated that many gay patrons were now going to local straight bars.....and finding many other gays there as well. He said this was the death knell of the gay bar as we knew it. Acceptance is up and people don't find the need to seek out their own specific bar anymore.
Have we made it? Has homosexuality begun to see the light of day? Will this wave of political fear mongering about the "homosexual agenda" finally be put to rest?
Wow.....from Stonewall to Suburbs......we have always been here. Acceptance would be great. But there was a certain feeling when we walked into a club that was meant for us. A sense of belonging when we found people who were just like us. Now we have to wade through the rejection of straight AND gay men just to find "the one"?
Can I change my mind?
I think I want to be special again.
The question: "What is the same every time you get it?"
So my last post called for awareness of your own internal prejudices. Use them to celebrate our differences and be able to utilize them to play upon your own strengths. All very important points.
However, today I realized a quandary of what happens to a group of people when they get the "acceptance" for which they so diligently have fought.
I was in a National Chain Bookstore today looking for literature of a specific nature.....a specific genre.....ok, ok...The Gay & Lesbian section. Here is the conversation I had with the young help desk clerk:
Me: "Excuse me, I have been wandering around your store for the last 20 minutes and I can't find your Gay & Lesbian section. I am on vacation and need a new book."
20something female Clerk: "What section?"
Me: "The Gay & Lesbian section. I would like some new gay fiction"
20something: "There is no Gay and Lesbian section"
Me: "You mean you don't sell gay themed books?" (Obvious ire welling up)
20something: :::Rolling her eyes::: "No, they are all mixed up"
Me: "You are telling me that gays and lesbians are mixed up?!?!?!" (about ready to blow a gasket)
20something: "NO! (duh) That fiction is in with the other fiction.....no special section for Gays & Lesbians"
Me: "Oh....well.....ummmm.....thanks."
Ok, so all the gay authors are now in the same stacks as the regular authors. Cool! We are getting treated like everyone else! No special section! No more back-of-the-bus, at least in the world of literature! Tony Kushner is no longer relegated to a dark dismal corner of some shop living in fear that someone may find him. Armisted Maupin can come out of the closets and into the world of real literature! Michael Thomas Ford needn't worry about prying straight eyes in his "Queer Life". Cool!
Hey....wait.... That means that I have to look through the regular stacks for the stories I might identify with? No more standing in the Gay and Lesbian sections perusing the books while watching someone fidgeting and trying to get the nerve to pull a book off the shelf and through their actions admit that they may have homosexual tendencies? No more secretive glances at the cute guy who has pulled gay erotica off the shelf?
While I relish the thought of Suzie Bible-Thumper selecting what she thinks to be the latest Harlequin Romance because there is a hot guy on the cover only to find that both main characters have "throbbing members"......I am not so sure this desegregation this is a good thing.
I was having a discussion with another 40 something bartender in a gay establishment. He was talking about a downturn in clientele. When asked why the decrease, he stated that many gay patrons were now going to local straight bars.....and finding many other gays there as well. He said this was the death knell of the gay bar as we knew it. Acceptance is up and people don't find the need to seek out their own specific bar anymore.
Have we made it? Has homosexuality begun to see the light of day? Will this wave of political fear mongering about the "homosexual agenda" finally be put to rest?
Wow.....from Stonewall to Suburbs......we have always been here. Acceptance would be great. But there was a certain feeling when we walked into a club that was meant for us. A sense of belonging when we found people who were just like us. Now we have to wade through the rejection of straight AND gay men just to find "the one"?
Can I change my mind?
I think I want to be special again.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Mistaken Identity: Which cookie do you like best?
Imagine that there is a plate of cookies in front of you...one Oatmeal, one Chocolate Chip and one Sugar. You are only allowed to choose one. Which one do you choose?
Sure this is an overly simplistic view, but why did you choose one cookie over another?
We all have preconceived notions of how things are supposed to taste, and we all have the flavors that we are drawn too...but if we never experienced all of the flavors....how do we really know which one is our favorite?
In his 1961 book "A Stranger in a Strange Land", Robert Heinlien introduced the world to the concept of "grok". Grok means to understand something thoroughly and intuitively. And how can you possibly understand something without experiencing it first hand?
"I don't grok that."
"Grokking that is a little difficult for me right now."
"I grok what you are saying."
There are wars raging today because of a specific part of human nature that is a learned behavior. Humans run on an interesting tightwire between pack animals and solitary beasts.
As pack animals, we surround ourselves with the trappings and social groups that make us comfortable and define our identity. But we practice these behaviors to our own detriment. We use the "comfortable" to help us define what is "uncomfortable" without ever experiencing the thing on which we are passing judgement.
As free willed individuals we also have the option to run as solitary beasts. Experiencing the things that the others of our pack may not be inclined to try.
Yet, so many of us choose not too roam on our own, or try to understand different points of view.
Prejudice is born of this pack behavior. The pack can be drawn on many lines... racial, religious, socio-economic, gender, sexual preference (just to name a few). The battle between "them versus us" has raged and will rage until the end of time, part of that instinct is how we evolved and survived so it isn't really a bad thing.
However, now that we are the dominant species and we bend the earth to our will, shouldn't these feelings of competition also evolve? Maybe to work together in a spirit of cooperation?
Prejudices are a good thing, they are tools and we need to understand them within ourselves.
Example: if all the Oatmeal Cookie eaters band together, there will eventually be a shortage of Oatmeal cookies.
The magic happens when an Oatmeal Eater meets up with a Sugar cookie eater....suddenly there is no fighting...add a Chocolate Chip Eater and there is an equilibrium. The problem happens when they start to argue over who's cookie is superior. Maybe we need to start to admit that we don't have to agree in which cookie is best. We each have our belief which is better for us, personally.
Wouldn't life be interesting if we started to leverage our strengths and weaknesses and use them to build a better place for everyone?
Make your choices for yourself, but don't do it out of an ignorance of what the other choices have to offer. Drink in what they mean. Grok them.
You still might make the same choice, but you might have a little better understanding of the world and how you fit.
Sure this is an overly simplistic view, but why did you choose one cookie over another?
We all have preconceived notions of how things are supposed to taste, and we all have the flavors that we are drawn too...but if we never experienced all of the flavors....how do we really know which one is our favorite?
In his 1961 book "A Stranger in a Strange Land", Robert Heinlien introduced the world to the concept of "grok". Grok means to understand something thoroughly and intuitively. And how can you possibly understand something without experiencing it first hand?
"I don't grok that."
"Grokking that is a little difficult for me right now."
"I grok what you are saying."
There are wars raging today because of a specific part of human nature that is a learned behavior. Humans run on an interesting tightwire between pack animals and solitary beasts.
As pack animals, we surround ourselves with the trappings and social groups that make us comfortable and define our identity. But we practice these behaviors to our own detriment. We use the "comfortable" to help us define what is "uncomfortable" without ever experiencing the thing on which we are passing judgement.
As free willed individuals we also have the option to run as solitary beasts. Experiencing the things that the others of our pack may not be inclined to try.
Yet, so many of us choose not too roam on our own, or try to understand different points of view.
Prejudice is born of this pack behavior. The pack can be drawn on many lines... racial, religious, socio-economic, gender, sexual preference (just to name a few). The battle between "them versus us" has raged and will rage until the end of time, part of that instinct is how we evolved and survived so it isn't really a bad thing.
However, now that we are the dominant species and we bend the earth to our will, shouldn't these feelings of competition also evolve? Maybe to work together in a spirit of cooperation?
Prejudices are a good thing, they are tools and we need to understand them within ourselves.
Example: if all the Oatmeal Cookie eaters band together, there will eventually be a shortage of Oatmeal cookies.
The magic happens when an Oatmeal Eater meets up with a Sugar cookie eater....suddenly there is no fighting...add a Chocolate Chip Eater and there is an equilibrium. The problem happens when they start to argue over who's cookie is superior. Maybe we need to start to admit that we don't have to agree in which cookie is best. We each have our belief which is better for us, personally.
Wouldn't life be interesting if we started to leverage our strengths and weaknesses and use them to build a better place for everyone?
Make your choices for yourself, but don't do it out of an ignorance of what the other choices have to offer. Drink in what they mean. Grok them.
You still might make the same choice, but you might have a little better understanding of the world and how you fit.
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